Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Out With The Old - In With The New - One from the archives...

So even though I *most likely* have a real date for New Year's Eve this year - holy shitballs!  I felt it would be a great time to drag this out from the archives, just in case any of you have been waiting until after the Holidays, to break up with your significant other...  Here it goes.

I'm a night owl by nature, and seem to have insomnia more often as I get older. I'm wondering if this may have something to do with the fact that time really DOES go much faster the older I get, or that I simply need more awake hours to think, as well as get shit done because I feel like I'm on some weird "warp speed."

I dunno.

What I DO know however, is that I was just thinking about a few people I know (mostly guys but some girls too,) who are staying with people they no longer want to be with until "after the holidays."

This makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever.

Hey!  Let's just pretend that everything is bright & rosy and we're still madly, romantically obsessed. We'll buy presents for the other person they'll probably secretly hate anyway because of all of the pent up resentment and frustration, because we all know it takes two to tango. We'll meet each others families and play nicey nicey, spend even more money on New Year's getting a hotel room and on some booze so we can get drunk enough to even want to have sex with the other person (for memory's sake) and kiss at midnight while we're really secretly fantasizing about making out with the person we were eying earlier on the other side of the room, and who we swear we had sparks with when they brushed against us on their way out of the bathroom.

Really???!!! How the hell does this sound like a good idea to anyone?
"I'm so over (insert name here) but don't want any drama over the holidays."
Seriously - what the hell?! The holidays ARE drama! There couldn't be a better time to be done with something and make a clean break! Just don't buy him/her a frickin' gift. There's a clue for ya.

"Ummm... I think I'm going to go spend Christmas with Grams at the rest home this year sweetie."

"But your grandmother has Alzheimer's. She doesn't even remember who you are anymore. She always calls you Herman and asks you to brush her dentures."

"Uhhhh, yeah I know, but she doesn't get any visitors and I just want to go. Have fun with your family and everything."

If any man broke up with me on January 2nd, I think I would want to do something evil to him. Seriously. I'd start with taking back my presents, but it couldn't stop there. The first thing that popped into my slap-happy brain was the joy I'd find in such a situation of spray painting "Christmas Killer" on their car. Maybe have some guys dress up like Santa and kick his ass. Call him (fake) sobbing uncontrollably on Christmas Eve & New Year's for the next 5 years. Something fun!

I just don't get it.

The New Year is your opportunity for a fresh start. It can't START on January 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th... If you wait until then, you're going to potentially jinx your whole damn year! That would be no bueno.

If you don't like someone anymore - just be honest for cripes sake and move on. Do us all a favor. Grow a pair, put your big boy/girl panties on, and simply say:
"I need to move on. And by the way, I want to sleep with your best friend/mother/brother/dog."

As the dump-er, at least give the dump-ee the opportunity to go out and have revenge sex with someone better looking than you on New Year's Eve. You at least owe them that much. They may cry out YOUR name in the throes of passion, but probably only because they were just telling their new lover a joke about how small your penis is. Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Bad broken internal editor...

Really what it boils down to is this - everyone just needs to get over themselves.

We'll all be missed.

But probably only for a little while. It's the God's honest truth.

And on that note, I'm glad I'm single when I hear these stupid "holiday dilemmas." I'm glad it's just me, my kid/pet zoo, and my kind and loving (battery operated boyfriend) BOB. BOB won't dump me before the holidays. He'll be right where I left him when I get home and always has something nice to say (and do).

And don't get me wrong - I really do love men. But unfortunately, usually the wrong ones! Hahaha.  And until there's someone who I actually like more than BOB, I really enjoy being a single girl. Even at the holidays.
Maybe even more so, because I know some wanker isn't just shaking the hour glass until it's time to break up with me.

So Happy almost New Year's everyone! Out with the old and in with the new.

I am now going to try to force myself to sleep.

Friday, December 24, 2010

A New Year's Nudge

What does the word "community" mean to you?  The dictionary defines the word as: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location.

To me, community is about the people, the tribe... It brings a sense of belonging, a sense of peace, a sense of hope.  It means there are people who "have your back," and will love and support you whether you're up or you're down.

I've never quite experienced community to the extent I've felt with my Downtown Phoenix tribe.

The last couple of years have been hard on all of us.  We've lost houses, jobs, businesses, suffered health issues, and struggled on numerous levels.

Yet throughout, or perhaps because, we have bonded together in the most joyful way possible - we have created community.

I truly believe a place is made by the people - not the place.  A place can be improved upon and changed.  A place becomes alive by the people who put their energy there.  Without real "life," a place is just a place...

My optimism for the New Year fills me with excitement and wonder.  I'm like a little kid in a giant toy store with a million dollar gift card and a shopping cart as big as a house.  I can't wait to watch everything unfold!

I am blessed to have some of the most talented, amazing, caring human beings in my tribe.  Creative visionaries.  Idealists.  Genuinely good people.  A group of people who can together, elicit real, positive change in this place which is our home.

Heading into the New Year, I am also thrilled to have NOT landed that cushy corporate gig with the steady paycheck and expense card (which I secretly know I wasn't chosen for because I own a vagina and don't play golf unless it includes windmills and clown heads).  Really, thanks for not picking me!  I'm a die hard entrepreneur after all and I was excited to diversify and start a new business which can happily co-exist with my current business, but allows me to wear cute clothes more than a respirator and tyvek suit.  It's nice to accessorize with prettier things than duct tape, trust me.

What is this exciting new company, you ask?  Well, from all of my years in the green/environmental industries, Champion PR + Consulting will specialize in working with environmental non-profits and green/sustainable businesses (or those who want to be).  The only missing component is my website - which will be done by January 1st, so stay tuned!  

Too many companies out there are greenwashing and not really "walkin' their talk,"so my goal is to help make sure all of their marketing materials, PR, etc. are truthful and transparent (protecting liability,) as well as utilize my 10+ years of experience and contacts within the green arena.  Yep - I was there long before it "tipped." Plus, "everyone needs a Champion," so it feels awesome to be excited about "work" again!

Our community too is building momentum.  The circles are all starting to collide like a perfect 4th of July fireworks display!

Get Your PHX, Rogue Green, Radiate Phoenix, the Co-Hoots gatherings; it's drawing us all together and pushing us to be engaged and active community members.  Our unified voice is getting stronger by the moment, and though we've taken some great baby steps - I have a feeling 2011 is going to see some real shift and domino effect action with our growing tribal force.

So at the end of the day, open your hearts and go meet your neighbors.  Give a shit.  Do something good.  Live your truth.  Laugh every day.  Life is short, people.  Nurture your community like a gorgeous, rare plant - and watch it grow.

Happy Holidays and a spectacular New Year from life's little cheerleader, Msss. Champion.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Living in the Land of "Temporary" Parking Lots

So in true City of Phoenix form, the Public Hearing I attended this morning was not a place for the City to make an actual "decision" based on hearing both sides of the coin, but to go through the motions to stay in the good graces of "Mr. Developer."

The hearing was for an extension of what will now continue to be a parking lot for another 2 years (then most likely another 2 after that, and so forth...)

This is what I said at the hearing, which apparently fell on "deaf" ears - but (I) we will continue to be vocal.  As long as I am living here and raising my family, I will continue to fight for the kind of City I want my children to grow up in.

I am here today to implore you, the City of Phoenix, to step up and become a leader.  We are here about an extension of a temporary parking lot permit.  What exactly is temporary in this City while in the midst of the worst recession of my lifetime?  Is it 5 years?  10 years?  20 years?

We are your residents.  We don’t just work downtown then drive home to Chandler or Gilbert.  We live here, raise our families, operate businesses, shop, eat and play.  What will it take for you to listen to us?  To be the change we wish to see?

Outside of the scientific facts surrounding all of the detrimental effects of a City filled with asphalt parking lots, THIS is a perfect opportunity for you, the City, and you, the Developer, to start envisioning innovative short-term uses for all of these empty and excessive lots that are being land-banked.  Progressive cities around the country are doing it so why can’t we?

It could add revenue and positive press for everyone involved, and make us, the residents, happy in return.  Creative visionaries are the pulse of every great city.  They help draw people in and make them want to stay.

If you continue to think inside of a box, not only do you run the risk of your head becoming weirdly shaped like one, but you also run the risk of driving out the very people who make the city’s heartbeat tick.

I want to know what happened to the 2004 and 2007 City Visions for a sustainable, pedestrian-friendly, progressive city.  If we wanted to live in a gated community themed place, we’d move to the suburbs.

I strongly urge you to NOT grant this extension and instead do something different, like the city of Seattle did when they put out a call for ideas seeking submissions for "creative ways in which stalled projects sites could be converted to interim uses that benefit, rather than detract from city life."

Until the funding is available to turn this lot into the sorely needed residential use it was intended for, wouldn’t it make sense to utilize all of the un and under-employed talent we have available in this City (including hundreds of architects, designers and urban planners) and find an innovative short-term use for this site, and hopefully others as well?

I thank you for your time, and leave you with the following quote by Carol Coletta, president and CEO of CEOs for Cities.

“Increasingly, we live in a world where cities compete for people, and businesses follow. This trend has largely been ignored by many cities, which are still focused on business climate and tax incentives. But I think the big question businesses will ask in the years to come is going to be 'Can I hire talented people in this city?' Cities need to be able to answer 'yes' to succeed.” 

* I also supplied the following list of alternative temporary lot uses to the City and Developer.  I hope they actually get explored (or at least make it into a recycling bin ;))
Innovative Ideas for Alternatives to the “Temporary” Parking Lot


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tales of Makutu's Island and a "Homeless" Girl...

Living in Phoenix with bored kids in the summer can be very interesting.  Here's a story from the archives...

We went to pick up Zane's best friend Shanon today who is down from up north for a few days with his familia. I met the gang at "Makutu's Island" which is this big crazy indoor playground in bumf*ck Chandler (and of course located in a strip mall). Arizona is a lot like Minnesota - only opposite. In MN they keep you in to keep your fingers from freezing and falling off - and in AZ they keep you in to keep you from spontaneously combusting because of the frickin' oven heat.

Anyway... I was pleasantly surprised to see that the kids’ tickets were $8.25 and mine was only $3.25. I had to buy socks for Zoe and I ($3.50/pair) but that's okay too because they're purple and yellow and have the weird Makutu rat/marmoset mascot thing. (Which we by the way got to do the cha cha slide with!) So we go in and I notice the majority of parents are just sitting around reading books and talking on their cell phones. I wondered why they weren't climbing and playing. (I would find out...)

So there are giant tree house'ish contraptions with tubes and netting and caves and ladders. 
The boys were gone in a flash so I let Zoe take the lead. I suddenly found myself contorted like a pretzel in very small, dark, cramped places with other small and smelly children that did not belong to me. I then also realized that all of the other parents were not "playing" because A. they were smart, and B. there is no way in hell that they would have ever crammed their fat asses into those tubes and crevices with all those other kids! Zoe and I found a bespeckled 7 yr. old to be our tour guide to lead us to the curly cue slide. We eventually had to ditch him because he quickly became a Makutu's Island know-it-all and was really starting to annoy me. "Beat it kid. We're striking off on our own adventure!"

Somewhere in between the net wall and the 50 ft. high plexiglas tube that nearly gave me an anxiety attack as I hadn't seen a worker over the age of 16 the entire time (who is checking this shit for safety?!) I smelled a horrible smell. Horrible. Like death.

I asked Zoe "Did you poop?" She said no. I grabbed the back of her shorts and pulled my hand away in disgust. She was right, she didn't poop. She EXPLODED. "Oh shit" I said. We worked our way out of the molded plastic maze listening to all the kids say "Ewww what's that smell?" as we passed. Pull-up change, scrub of the waistband of her shorts and bottom of her t-shirt - we were good to rock and roll again.

We found the big boys who led us to the Banana Slide. "It's really fast mom" Zane warned me. "Oh jeez Zane it's a slide. Zoe can just sit on my lap." "No really mom. It drops straight down. It's fast." My concerned boy... Outta my way kid! I stuck Zoe in my lap and screamed as we suddenly felt as if we were falling through Alice's rabbit hole. We came SHOOTING out of the slide, Zoe's eyes as big as plates, where we landed about 4 feet away on a wrestling mat. Okay, so Zane was right on that one.

We were just in the deepest trenches of an awkward spot again, when I smelled the smell again. "Oh Zoe..." We went for the 2nd change, where after, Zoe became obsessed with the electric hand dryer and stood underneath of it for 6 pushes until I was finally able to lure her away.

We found the boys. "Time to go guys - I only had 2 pull-ups with me and can't handle a car ride home smelling that smell again in case she explodes." I coerced with slushies. Gentle persuasion...

We came home. Legos, Little Bear, 10 minutes of work.

I thought it would be a good idea to take them to the park downtown since it was dusk and "cooling off" to a balmy 105 degrees. "Let's get Subway and go to the park!" This park also has a cool water pad that lights up and is on until 9 p.m. so it's one of our favorite spots to picnic. I grabbed some towels and a blanket and we were on our way.

The kids played and splashed in between bites of sandwich. I was chillin' on the grass.

This park is notorious for security and police as it is in the heart of Downtown Phoenix and they are hell bent on keeping out homeless people, skateboarders, bike riders, and basically anyone else they want to (which is another long rant as I have actually seen the police yell at 1 kid on a skateboard then DRIVE their SUV through the park- and we know how much I hate injustice...)

So we're having a swell time, the kids dry off, and a woman goes up on the stage and begins to practice opera. Very cool! All 3 kids are intrigued and go sit at a table to watch her. Her name was Loretta and she was an older South American woman dressed all in black. I loved her, the kids loved her, and she loved them! She is writing a children's book called "Dinosaur" which is about a cat she grew up with. She asked if the boys would be her critic so they hung on her every lovely accented word as she read them her story.

Meanwhile I was chasing Zoe around and taking photos. One security guard had been lurking around more than the others and by this time it was around 9 o'clock. He approached me and said “So where do you go after here?" I said "Home." He looked at me like I was lying. "It's okay" he said. Suddenly it clicked with me. "No no no! We live in a house" I said. He looked at me like I was lying.

I didn't even smell bad. I even showered today. Perhaps because we were at the park "past dark" it didn't make sense to him.
A little later, I kid you not, he came up to me and gave me some hostess cupcakes and tried to give me $2!!! Seriously. Did I mention that I had even shaved my legs today and was wearing mascara? "Oh my gosh - I AM NOT HOMELESS" I told him. "My car is parked right over there and I promise I don't live in that either!" He just looked at me. I probably make more money in a day than this guy makes all week... WTF?!

I took the cupcakes, the boys took $1 each, and we left.

I tried to find a real homeless person to give the cupcakes to but couldn't find one anywhere.

I think all the security guards and cops ran them off...

Monday, November 8, 2010

"L" is for Letters

I’m wearing old Levis, a vintage Rolling Stones t-shirt and some flip flops. My hair is in a loose, messy ponytail and the sun warms my face. It’s springtime in Phoenix – a gorgeous day. Vast Arizona blue skies and temperatures in the mid 70’s, just for us. The kind of day Phoenicians fall in love with again and again, especially as we hear tales of freak blizzards and tornados from our friends and family in other states. I’m out running my errands, which on most days, takes me downtown to one of my favorite blocks in the city – “Block L”. I need to check my mail and buy some stamps.

As I step into “my” downtown post office I feel happy. The smell of old buildings has always been soothing to me. As a child, my grandparents owned an antique store called Bedknobs & Broomsticks which I pretty much lived in from the time I was a baby until I was almost 5 years old. The “stories” of the treasures that surrounded me fascinated and intrigued me, and was probably the jumping point for my inquisitive nature. I would delicately cradle an antique doll and automatically wonder about the little girl who played with her when the dolly was new. Who was she? Where did she live? What did she look like?

Being in places that connect me to the past makes me feel grounded. It bonds me to humanity. My post office was formerly known as the Phoenix Federal building, and was designed in 1932 by two very important architects in Phoenix’s history - Royal Lescher and Leslie Mahoney. The doors opened in 1936. 74 years later, it’s me opening them. A lot can happen in 74 years.

In 1936, the year this building opened its doors, one of the biggest Phoenix to-dos was an event called the Masque of the Yellow Moon. Centered on an ancient Native American tradition and the full, springtime, yellow moon – it was a time to pause and give thanks, and to reflect on prosperity. Every spring for 30 years, thousands of people in Phoenix would dress up in costume and come together to do just that. I like this idea very much. Masque of the Yellow Moon died out in 1955 when the population of the city began to explode and Cordelia Perkins, the event director for 21 years, decided to retire. Times change... Communities grow...

“Community” is a strong word for me. It evokes a sense of belonging, a tie to my past – and my future. This is my community. This block. These people. The workers here know me by name, and joke with me as I meander over to my old-fashioned post office box. I take my time leaving, absorbing the old, black and white photographs on the wall of the time and the people that were here before me. A time when people celebrated under a full, yellow moon on a spring night to give thanks.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Sustainability is NOT a 4-Letter Word - Wake UP Phoenix!

Yesterday I went to a "public" Board of Adjustment hearing in downtown Phoenix to help support a friend, and cause , that I believe in to my core.  I wasn't alone either - the room was full of progressive, forward-thinking people who, like me, want to see the City of Phoenix (and ASU) start "walkin' their talk." 

The hearing was for a "temporary" 5 year use permit for a parking lot.  

The "much ado" came when my pal Sean Sweat, got his community together, hired an attorney, and was fighting for at minimum, the compromise of half of the designated parking lot space to be a dog park for downtown Phoenix.  This would have also off-set the negative impacts and effects of yet another "asphalt ghost lot" that we do NOT need in downtown Phoenix.  This was spelled out at the hearing with factual information which included *GASP* scientific facts and data.  Did the appointed City officials listen?  Nope.  With the exception of Councilman Gaynor who seemed to be the only person who didn't act like a puppet, and was a solo "nay" vote, (though when asked why he voted "nay" by AZ Republic reporter, Emily Gersema, he said he couldn't tell her and directed her to the City Attorney).  Perhaps the City Attorney is telepathic which could pose to be a problem in future battles...

So, "where did this extra expanse of land which will now be filled with cars come from" you ask?

This past spring, Phoenix bulldozed yet another historic building with great "bones."  Many people fought to save that too, but it almost seemed to speed up the razing... Here are some pictures if you're interested (that also point out the site will be a future parking lot).

The City of Phoenix seems to enjoy throwing the term "SUSTAINABLE" around like a teenage prom queen who's spent too much time hanging out by the keg doing beer bongs.  And ASU's famous School of Sustainability - WHERE ARE YOU, AND WHAT IS SUSTAINABLE ABOUT TEARING DOWN HISTORIC BUILDINGS AND ADDING TO URBAN HEAT ISLAND EFFECT WITH MORE PARKING LOTS?????  Holy shitballs.  This is the wrong direction.

What do we as downtown citizens need to do to make our voices heard?  Do we need to go all GreenPeace on your ass and start chaining ourselves to old buildings and camping out in "future" parking lots that are unwanted, un-needed and unnecessary?

Because we keep trying to play "nice" and "by the rules," and it just doesn't seem like it's working very well...  It took something getting litigious to spark any attention at all.  There was nothing "Democratic" about the joke of a "public" hearing I attended, and many of us who filled out speaker cards didn't even get to speak.  Yuck.

There was no mention of pervious concrete or xeriscaping.  I know Phoenix is famous for its lush golf courses, but we live in the fucking desert you guys, in case anyone has forgotten this fact.

I filled out a speaker card because I wanted my thoughts to be heard before a decision was made.  (Though it appeared the decision had already been "made" by the powers that be when they knocked down a perfectly good building that could have been re-purposed and cleaned up.)

So this is what I was going to talk about in my 2 minutes of "public" input that never came:

The City of Phoenix needs to learn how to be the LEADER.  Other progressive cities like Portland and Minneapolis (that have much more extreme weather conditions to contend with) have done it, so why can't we?  Why would Phoenix spend all that money on a lightrail then encourage everyone to drive downtown by creating more parking spaces?  Minneapolis (where I proudly grew up) has been the leader by doing things such as closing main thoroughfares to cars and only allowing public transport, taxis and bikes.  There are 1000 Nice Ride bikes to use all over the city.  The bike lanes are painted green.  There are signs all over downtown to remind people to watch for pedestrians and bicycle riders.  There are recycling containers on the street.  The streets are pedestrian-friendly with outward facing cafe's and stores.  Skyways connect downtown buildings so people can still travel by foot when the weather is bad.  This is a place that gets bone-chilling cold.  Crazy cold.  Yet Minneapolis was just named the #1 bike-friendly city.

Here in Phoenix, we have beautiful, mild weather at least 8 months out of the year, with the other 4 just being pretty hell blazing hot.  Is it so outlandish to think that Phoenix should be taking cue from cities like Minneapolis but just doing it in reverse?  Instead of keeping people's fingers from freezing off, we just need to keep them cool and hydrated.  That's not really that difficult is it?

What if the City of Phoenix took away one of the Central Ave. lanes from say Camelback through downtown and made it a designated bike lane?

And what if the City of Phoenix started developing with pedestrians in mind by putting the life back on the streets instead of creating the feeling of a "gated community" like the new CityScape (which my lovely friend Seth refers to as "ShittyScape").  If I wanted to live in a stupid gated community I'd live in the suburbs.  Cripes.

And what if the City of Phoenix changed people's perception of what a parking lot looks like and took the lead in at least doing it right when it has to be done.  Hey!  There's that idea of pervious concrete again and heat reflecting material to not cook us at 120 degrees.

And what if the City of Phoenix would start to actually listen to the people who LIVE here?  What if they were less focused on bringing in visitors by being weirdly gung-ho about a bunch of new hotels, and instead focus on bringing in people who actually want to STAY here to live and work and play and open businesses and spend money and pay taxes.  There's a fucking concept, eh?

And hey - while we're at it...  What if the City of Phoenix had actually listened to the facts and the science and given 1700 residents who took the time to sign a petition what they asked for - a use-able space that would add charm and value to the area, a dog park in half of a "temporary" unwanted, unnecessary, unfriendly, stinky parking lot.

What if the City of Phoenix started to utilize the energy and knowledge and creativity of the people who actually DO live and work here?  People like Taz at Blooming Rock, and Yuri Artibise and Steve Weiss the steering Chair of the Downtown Voices Coalition - along with many others...

So at the end of the day, the only answer that makes any sense to me is we need to be louder.  We need to be at every important hearing to force transparency and accountability.  We need to come together.  If the City won't get off it's fat, golf-playing ass to become the leader it should - then we need to shove it out of the lazyboy recliner by being loud, tenacious, drawing media attention, and calling BULLSHIT when we see bullshit.

And if you're interested in learning how we got to this "car is king" warped reality in the first place, I would strongly encourage you to attend the upcoming Rogue Green event on Nov. 11 at 6p at The Duce, where my friend and colleague, Eric Corey Freed, will be our guest speaker in giving his amazing keynote presentation: "Spills, Sins and Starbucks: How Oil Has Negatively Altered Our Built Environment." 

Please share the Rogue Green event with all of your friends.

Arizona has been my home for 12 years and is the only home my 2 youngest kids have known.  Phoenix has so much potential, we just have to keep at it.  It's worth fighting for.

Sustainability is not a 4-letter word.

Wake UP Phoenix!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Will Work For ???

Writers are getting creamed in the tanked economy.  Jeesh...

Here's an ad I found on Craigslist tonight:

Writer needed for legal website. I can pay $20 per article, for a 700+ word article.

Part time person wanted, possibly full time. You must be a good writer and not write like a robot or someone that's writing a term paper.

The articles you will write must be researched on the internet and written to be original, not copies or plagarisms.

Remember, the articles you're writing will be for the public, for the lay person, so the language must be clear, easy to understand, and not deadly boring or technical.

Please email me with a sample of your writing so I can schedule a paid sample to be created by you if your initial sample looks good.

Hours are flexible, but you must commit to writing a minimum of 5 articles a week.

Well, I decided a lawyer could come in handy at some point, so I responded with my own ad:


Lawyer needed for writer’s website.  I can pay $20 per hour, or $20 per 3-5 page contract.


Part-time person wanted, possibly full time. You must be a good lawyer, and not focus on personal injury law, or any other types of practice that would be equated with a “land shark” or “smarmy” appearance.


The contracts and legal advice you will provide must be researched in law libraries and written to be original, not copies or plagiarisms from other “land sharks.”  It is also imperative you actually know how to spell words such as: plagiarism, et al.


Remember, the contracts you're writing, and advice you’ll be giving, will be for the public, for the lay person, so the language must be clear, easy to understand, and not deadly boring or full of terms and words that haven’t been used in the last century and never will be used again by normal mortals.   


Please email me with a sample of your legal contracts so I can schedule a paid contract to be created by you if your initial contract looks good, as well as a recent head shot because if you are unattractive I probably wouldn’t want you to represent me in court.

Hours are flexible, but you must commit to being at my beck and call a minimum of 5 hours a week.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Bingo Be Gone

Because I scored an awesome email address from Cox, I often get random emails for various people and businesses with the name Champion, which I guess would be kind of expected (because hey, my last name is Champion too).

There is a Bingo Group who I have literally told about 17 times that they have the wrong email.  Today was my "breaking point."  I just couldn't resist any longer...

I hit "reply all" and shot this off into B-18 BINGO LAND.

Hi ladies,

I’ve decided that Bingo just isn’t satisfying to me anymore.  I need more excitement!  I’m going to start my own “Noodling Club.”  If you don’t know what “Noodling” is, you can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noodling

My plan is to pick up an above-ground pool from Ace now that they’re on sale, cover it with a piece of plywood with hand holes cut out about every foot, then use my compost to feed the catfish so they get nice and big to put up a real fight.  I was torn between a monthly midget wrestling match or noodling, and noodling won out, because it sounds nicer with my other hobbies: knitting, napping, needle point, necrophilia, and now noodling!

I’ll send out an invitation  once the catfish reach at least 50 pounds.

Stay tuned!

-Future Former Bingo Playing Noodling Champion

Monday, October 25, 2010

"Oh my GOSH - I'm so busy!"

Oh my GOSH - I'm so busy!
We've all said it before, haven't we?  And while yep, it's true we really are pretty busy these days, (after all, I myself am a single mom with 2 kids, pets, a house to take care of and my own small business to juggle,) I started to ponder that title statement a little deeper lately and question whether: a. it's true b. we've just become a totally self-absorbed society or c. our priorities are just all fucked up.  (Of course, it could indeed be a combination of all of the above - and probably is...)  But me being me, I wanted to delve in a little deeper.

So how is it that we have all this crazy technology that's supposed to make our lives easier, yet we seem to be "busier" than ever - which I believe is drawing us further and further away from any real sense of community, and along with it, accountability.

I keep joking around about wanting to get a land line phone with an old-fashioned answering machine and limiting my "online" computer time to no more than 2 hours a day.  I'm secretly not joking.

I want to listen to records instead of an ipod, read books instead of a Kindle, and buy 95% of what I need within 1 square mile of my house.  I want to talk instead of text - preferably face to face, not give a shit if someone I haven't seen in 15 years removes me as their Facebook "friend," and have people really show up when they say on an "evite" that they're going to.  I want people online to only "say" things they'd be willing to publicly say out loud in person, instead of hiding behind their World of Warcraft warlock alias, and basically just be fucking decent human beings for a change.

Do you realize the average American spends anywhere from 40 minutes to 3 and a half hours per week deleting spam from their inbox?  Isn't that just stupid?  I'm not immune to any of this stuff either, and am quite  a pro at getting side-tracked and wasting time on what I would consider to be pretty petty, time-sucking, stupid shit, but I feel like I'm waking up now.  I'm sick of the bullshit.  I want to be more present, help build our community and do what I'm able to do to make things better in the time I'm on this planet.

Would any of the great movements (Civil Rights, Women's Rights, etc. etc.) have been successful if they had taken place in today's ADHD world?  I'm really not so sure...

"Hey! A squirrel.  What's the game score? Hold on, I'm sending a text.  I need a Farmville cow.  Big Brother is on.  Did you tweet that?  I have to research my 752 other options before I decide.  Skype me.  No, instant message me.  Are you my LinkedIn contact?  ActiveRain said the housing market is better now.  Did you read that in People?  I hope Lindsey gets sober.  I'll upload your download to my ipad."

 Seriously.  It's really starting to get to me.  Propaganda A.K.A. PR (good 'ol public relations) has really truly done its job at turning us into a seriously dumbed down, numb, gadget collecting, fucked up society.  Don't believe me?  Just watch the BBC documentary series "The Century of the Self" and see for yourselves.

It's all been on purpose and we've happily been sucking down the Kool-aid power pops and snorting all the Pixie Stix, people.  Yuck.

Phoenix is a great place to watch this in action.  Having lived in Arizona for 12 years now, I've had my own "coming to Jesus" moments with the fact this place really is my home, and is in fact the only place my kids have ever lived.  There are a whole lot of transients and transplants in Arizona, which I think lends itself to part of the "it's not my shit" problem we have going on here.

Well guess what?  If you live here, even if it's for one fucking week out of your life - IT IS YOUR SHIT.  And even if it really isn't your shit, but you stepped in it, are you the kind of person who will just leave a pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk for someone else to step in too?  Are you the kind of person who won't clean the shit off your shoe so everyone you encounter has to smell the shit too? 

Because if that's you, well I wish you would just get the fuck out of Phoenix now and go be a complacent fuck wad somewhere else.  If you don't care about OUR shit - leave.

Our politics are a complete joke - so let's change it.  Our downtown needs a soul - let's give it one.  Let's take back our lives and get present already. 

If we can all spend 3 hours a week deleting fucking spam from our inbox, and another 32+ hours a week surfing porn and looking at crap online and another 16+ hours a week watching television shows; then surely we can find the time out of our very busy schedules to attend something worthwhile that will create positive changes within our community for not just us now, but also future generations.  A rally, a community empowering event, a hearing to create a dog park instead of another heat island parking lot in downtown Phoenix perhaps.  If you're not a creator, be a supporter.  Just get off your ass.

Let's start being pro-active so we don't have to be so reactive.

Stop bitching - start a revolution.

Ahhhh...  I feel better now.