Sunday, October 31, 2010

Will Work For ???

Writers are getting creamed in the tanked economy.  Jeesh...

Here's an ad I found on Craigslist tonight:

Writer needed for legal website. I can pay $20 per article, for a 700+ word article.

Part time person wanted, possibly full time. You must be a good writer and not write like a robot or someone that's writing a term paper.

The articles you will write must be researched on the internet and written to be original, not copies or plagarisms.

Remember, the articles you're writing will be for the public, for the lay person, so the language must be clear, easy to understand, and not deadly boring or technical.

Please email me with a sample of your writing so I can schedule a paid sample to be created by you if your initial sample looks good.

Hours are flexible, but you must commit to writing a minimum of 5 articles a week.

Well, I decided a lawyer could come in handy at some point, so I responded with my own ad:


Lawyer needed for writer’s website.  I can pay $20 per hour, or $20 per 3-5 page contract.


Part-time person wanted, possibly full time. You must be a good lawyer, and not focus on personal injury law, or any other types of practice that would be equated with a “land shark” or “smarmy” appearance.


The contracts and legal advice you will provide must be researched in law libraries and written to be original, not copies or plagiarisms from other “land sharks.”  It is also imperative you actually know how to spell words such as: plagiarism, et al.


Remember, the contracts you're writing, and advice you’ll be giving, will be for the public, for the lay person, so the language must be clear, easy to understand, and not deadly boring or full of terms and words that haven’t been used in the last century and never will be used again by normal mortals.   


Please email me with a sample of your legal contracts so I can schedule a paid contract to be created by you if your initial contract looks good, as well as a recent head shot because if you are unattractive I probably wouldn’t want you to represent me in court.

Hours are flexible, but you must commit to being at my beck and call a minimum of 5 hours a week.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Bingo Be Gone

Because I scored an awesome email address from Cox, I often get random emails for various people and businesses with the name Champion, which I guess would be kind of expected (because hey, my last name is Champion too).

There is a Bingo Group who I have literally told about 17 times that they have the wrong email.  Today was my "breaking point."  I just couldn't resist any longer...

I hit "reply all" and shot this off into B-18 BINGO LAND.

Hi ladies,

I’ve decided that Bingo just isn’t satisfying to me anymore.  I need more excitement!  I’m going to start my own “Noodling Club.”  If you don’t know what “Noodling” is, you can read about it here:

My plan is to pick up an above-ground pool from Ace now that they’re on sale, cover it with a piece of plywood with hand holes cut out about every foot, then use my compost to feed the catfish so they get nice and big to put up a real fight.  I was torn between a monthly midget wrestling match or noodling, and noodling won out, because it sounds nicer with my other hobbies: knitting, napping, needle point, necrophilia, and now noodling!

I’ll send out an invitation  once the catfish reach at least 50 pounds.

Stay tuned!

-Future Former Bingo Playing Noodling Champion

Monday, October 25, 2010

"Oh my GOSH - I'm so busy!"

Oh my GOSH - I'm so busy!
We've all said it before, haven't we?  And while yep, it's true we really are pretty busy these days, (after all, I myself am a single mom with 2 kids, pets, a house to take care of and my own small business to juggle,) I started to ponder that title statement a little deeper lately and question whether: a. it's true b. we've just become a totally self-absorbed society or c. our priorities are just all fucked up.  (Of course, it could indeed be a combination of all of the above - and probably is...)  But me being me, I wanted to delve in a little deeper.

So how is it that we have all this crazy technology that's supposed to make our lives easier, yet we seem to be "busier" than ever - which I believe is drawing us further and further away from any real sense of community, and along with it, accountability.

I keep joking around about wanting to get a land line phone with an old-fashioned answering machine and limiting my "online" computer time to no more than 2 hours a day.  I'm secretly not joking.

I want to listen to records instead of an ipod, read books instead of a Kindle, and buy 95% of what I need within 1 square mile of my house.  I want to talk instead of text - preferably face to face, not give a shit if someone I haven't seen in 15 years removes me as their Facebook "friend," and have people really show up when they say on an "evite" that they're going to.  I want people online to only "say" things they'd be willing to publicly say out loud in person, instead of hiding behind their World of Warcraft warlock alias, and basically just be fucking decent human beings for a change.

Do you realize the average American spends anywhere from 40 minutes to 3 and a half hours per week deleting spam from their inbox?  Isn't that just stupid?  I'm not immune to any of this stuff either, and am quite  a pro at getting side-tracked and wasting time on what I would consider to be pretty petty, time-sucking, stupid shit, but I feel like I'm waking up now.  I'm sick of the bullshit.  I want to be more present, help build our community and do what I'm able to do to make things better in the time I'm on this planet.

Would any of the great movements (Civil Rights, Women's Rights, etc. etc.) have been successful if they had taken place in today's ADHD world?  I'm really not so sure...

"Hey! A squirrel.  What's the game score? Hold on, I'm sending a text.  I need a Farmville cow.  Big Brother is on.  Did you tweet that?  I have to research my 752 other options before I decide.  Skype me.  No, instant message me.  Are you my LinkedIn contact?  ActiveRain said the housing market is better now.  Did you read that in People?  I hope Lindsey gets sober.  I'll upload your download to my ipad."

 Seriously.  It's really starting to get to me.  Propaganda A.K.A. PR (good 'ol public relations) has really truly done its job at turning us into a seriously dumbed down, numb, gadget collecting, fucked up society.  Don't believe me?  Just watch the BBC documentary series "The Century of the Self" and see for yourselves.

It's all been on purpose and we've happily been sucking down the Kool-aid power pops and snorting all the Pixie Stix, people.  Yuck.

Phoenix is a great place to watch this in action.  Having lived in Arizona for 12 years now, I've had my own "coming to Jesus" moments with the fact this place really is my home, and is in fact the only place my kids have ever lived.  There are a whole lot of transients and transplants in Arizona, which I think lends itself to part of the "it's not my shit" problem we have going on here.

Well guess what?  If you live here, even if it's for one fucking week out of your life - IT IS YOUR SHIT.  And even if it really isn't your shit, but you stepped in it, are you the kind of person who will just leave a pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk for someone else to step in too?  Are you the kind of person who won't clean the shit off your shoe so everyone you encounter has to smell the shit too? 

Because if that's you, well I wish you would just get the fuck out of Phoenix now and go be a complacent fuck wad somewhere else.  If you don't care about OUR shit - leave.

Our politics are a complete joke - so let's change it.  Our downtown needs a soul - let's give it one.  Let's take back our lives and get present already. 

If we can all spend 3 hours a week deleting fucking spam from our inbox, and another 32+ hours a week surfing porn and looking at crap online and another 16+ hours a week watching television shows; then surely we can find the time out of our very busy schedules to attend something worthwhile that will create positive changes within our community for not just us now, but also future generations.  A rally, a community empowering event, a hearing to create a dog park instead of another heat island parking lot in downtown Phoenix perhaps.  If you're not a creator, be a supporter.  Just get off your ass.

Let's start being pro-active so we don't have to be so reactive.

Stop bitching - start a revolution.

Ahhhh...  I feel better now.